Sunday, March 1, 2009

God. Family. Love.

I've been hit by a stress bug. A big and aggravating stress bug. I wish with all of my might that I could take it and toss it into some far off abyss. I feel as if I've been fighting against myself. Yes, I want to be in a good mood, yes I want to be the care-free girl that laughs constantly and gives off the warmth of a thousand suns. Lately though, I feel much more like an ice princess. What's worse is that I can see my family through the eyes and with the heart of the girl who wants this. However, my stomach and my chest are taking cheap shots at them and in the end, my mind sits baffled at my own inability to balance myself.
After all the internal struggle it leads me to this thought. I want to love my family with God's love. I don't know your beliefs so when I say God take that as this: The greater power, the perfect lover or at the very least (if you don't believe in any of that) the utopian idea of it all. (I think that covers it) So isn't that how we are to love? Isn't it our goal to be better, closer to this than the day before? Or if you don't think it's our goal don't you think we should all strive to be this type of lover? Think about such a perfect love. A love that is never ending, never tiring. A love that is strong, pure, tested and true. Life giving love. I want to be a perfect lover to my family. I want to be the strength when they are weak. I want to be the joy when they are down, the arms when the need comfort. I try so hard to be this type of lover. So, when I fail, when I feel weak, when I feel broken and battered, when I feel like I could have done better, like I should be in time out for my attitude, I sit and I listen to things like this. I am reminded that although my goal may be perfection, I am still on a journey there. I am still a girl that at times feels weak, that feels joyless, that needs comforting. I can hear something like this and know that I still have to find my strength in something bigger. I can't be in control of everything, everyone. I am reminded that that is okay.

1 comment:

Sue said...

Amber, I'm not going to be as PC as you. I worship the one true God of the Bible. The one who sent his son Jesus to die on a cross for my sins. You have great ambitions about how you should love but you will never be able to do it on your own. We are born selfish sinners. The only way to ever get close to loving the way you described is to have Jesus living inside your heart. He IS perfect love. I truly believe what you are feeling is the calling of Jesus in your heart. He wants to be your savior, your comforter, your guide, to teach you how to love perfectly. I believe this with my whole self but the Bible backs it up in writing. Read the gospels about Jesus's life on earth(Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) and see what you think. I hope you find what you are looking for sweet Amber!

Love,
Sue